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About

DAVE'S BACHELOR PARTY
HARRISBURG, PA

Jester threw the party; he thinks, All we know is that he made some yellow shit that got everybody really wasted.

The day started with everyone taking turns wearing the SPAM hat, and driving Jester's 4-wheeler, even Shag, who replaced his dingy leather fedora with the Spam cap, thus ensuring that no one else would ever wear it again. Of course in the mist of all this bonding, the sods were never in want of a drink, and by the time the limo arrived they were already as drunk as "old one beer Frank" at a Havoc weenie roast. (And this was a very good thing).

The gang piled in, Dave with ball and chain literally and figuratively shackled to his leg. See the stripper convinced Dave that the ball and chain was part of her act, and he probably still thinks so to this day. But really it was one of Jester's toys leftover from a previous relationship, and the idea was to make Dave carry it along for the remainder of the pub crawl ... and he did!

The first ejection came swiftly and without warning at... [can't remember]. They returned to the limo and went on to... [can't remember this bar either]. There, where ever it was, they weren't even allowed in! Mike became so incensed that he just had to retaliate by stealing the bouncers stool, (di-ji zw) and ran down the street, where he began a bar-crawl of his own which he affectionately named "BARCLORR" and was oddly enough kicked out of this next bar on his private tour, this time managing to leave with a large spider plant. In retrospect Kids, don't you think it's time that Mike should be getting some professional help, seriously. Upon returning to the limo they found the driver arguing loudly with the bouncers; "Look you can check the limo yourself there are no spider plants inside!" Apparently no room for Weasel's pitcher either, so the limo driver made him chug it. The diversion used to sneak the pitcher out of the hostile bar was accomplished easily: Dave Pa simply dropped his ball on the wooden floor and as all heads turned, Weasel made the break with the beer.

The next stop never really came as Jester the navigation officer, breaks his internal compass and sends the drunken behemoth careening towards Maryland. He was propped up wide eyed, sitting right next to the driver. We assumed, incorrectly, that he was giving the driver explicit directions to the next bar, but in fact, when someone finally asked him where we were going, he only gurgled incoherently and dribbled on himself. This was when we realized that the infamous yellow stuff had done it's creator in.

After Hours: As the limo pulled up to Jesters, (no thanks to Jester) the first door to open was Timmo's, who cleaverly stepped out and stumpled off into the woods. The ruckus that followed was very similar to the closing sequence of Blazing Saddles, but a bit sillier. Who started the fight is still unknown. In the aftermath: Pokey was left with a nice shiner, courtesy of Mike who was covered in his own blood (3 pints). Jester's bird feeder sort of looked like the White House after that UFO phaser barrage thingy in ID-4, the trailer was bloody, clothing was torn and there was a tremendous sense that we had truly accomplished something here. Oh yeah, we didn't ask him, but we think that Dave had a good time too.

*Pokey's nose was't actually broken, he just got a shiner.

It was a dark and stormy night, torrids of rain pelted the already muddy earth... oh wait, it was sunny and mild this year. Actually the weather was wonderful, and a handful of people were there to enjoy it. Yes, the turnout sucked big wampum. Oh well at least you didn't have to wait to play horseshoes.

We were too lazy to write a witty story here, so fill in the blanks correctly and send it in; the winner gets to set the date for the next end of the year party. (Eric excluded)

10. E___________, C___________, D___________, D_________, G__________, P________, T_________, T__________, went to see a FUCKING hockey game during the party, and all except D_________ came back disappointed.

9. T_________ amazingly, found his keys. (lost during last year's party)

8. The next morning Pokey's B__________ has found passed out in the bathroom doorway

7. At 5:3OAm all everybody was awoke to F_______'s techo-crapo disco mix-o.

6. M___________ kicked S________, out of their tent in favor of B___________.(Hint: one of the correct answers here is Shag)

5. J___________ has a bigger nose than Robert K.

4. Poke's sister Megan spent 1/2 hour removing plastic sporks and mustard from her *_____________.

3. Shag broke Mike's *____________, because he yanked it too far. (captured on video)

2. Which idiots M________ and S__________, took the End of the Year party leftovers on an extended tour of the country, consuming all but a few hot dogs which they mercifully abandon in New Mexico, after 3 weeks.

1. *______________ with a turkey baster *___________ *___________ in the mud room with *______________.

*Make Your Own Answer.

WASHINGTON D.C.
What Mike Saw: We were left unsupervised in a strange city by my friend Tony I left the bar for some air. I bought some pistachios and leaned against a post. A station wagon shaped taxi pulled up and piles of cute dames jumped in. Without much thought I asked the last gal in the back if she'd scoot over. She said "Sure" and I squeezed in. The door shut and I was on my way somewhere west or maybe north.

What Shag Saw: Mike had a number of Jack and Cokes in him and was becoming belligerent. I was glad when he went outside, but when I went to check on him (as one frequently needs to do with Mike) he was gone. It wouldn't have been a big deal except that the hotel was reachable only by taxi and he had ALL THE MONEY!!

Mike: The taxi dropped us all off at a bar on the other side of DC. The nuts were a big hit and for the rest of the night I was known as Pistachio Man. Yes, the proposals en route.

Shag: I had to walk back to the hotel at 3 a.m. A hotel several miles from my current location, the Adam's Morgan area ... what a prick!

Mike: I'd rather not discuss this segment.

Shag: Half way back to the Watergate Hotel (well our hotel was actually the Howard johnson's in front of it) a Jeep full of monstrously ugly women pulled up to me saying: "Hey Baby, are you lost, Baby?" I was able to get rid of them, but my luck was about to get worse. I next met a budda like gentleman roughly the size and square feet of Jim Blob, who demanded I come over to "talk" with him. When I continued to walk away he became threatening. I flagged down a car in the intersection while in mortal fear. A nice woman at the wheel asked me what was wrong. I quickly explained the events up to the point where the man threatened "If you flag down that car I'll kill you man!" I begged her to just drive slowly out of the area, and I'd walk along side of the car. (The man who wants to kill me is still lurking in the shadows.)

Mike: I was heading back to the hotel in a taxi and in the middle of the intersection I see a rather animated person in a Hawaiian shirt, gesticulating wildly at a woman in a car. I ordered the cab to pull over. It screeched to the curb. I yelled for Shag to jump in. He did, and with another squeal of the tires we were off.

CINCINNATI
Trish M. and her fiance Dave were excellent hosts. They kept the duo fed and drunk. Really drunk. The night unfolded like this:

Shag: Dave kept buying round after round. Sedwick, joined us and as you might have guessed the evening got worse.

Mike: I was lit and decided to go for a walkabout.

Shag: Trish came in from the courtyard of the bar waving her arms frantically. "He got out" is all she said. Mike had climbed a 6 foot fence, no doubt with a pint in his hand and was on the loose.

Mike: I nursed that pint for 3 more bars and got hopelessly lost.

Shag: He never returned at last call, so we all went back to Trish's old Kentucky home.

Mike: I'd rather not discuss this segment.

Shag: He arrived back at Trish's at 6am with a police line wrapped around his head. He stumbled in muttering incoherently to himself and falling over furniture.

SANTE FE
Awesome little down town with one major exception, not nearly enough drinking establishments. Still we managed to stumble through the town, Mike playing his country & western version of the Flintstones. We stopped to ask this guy where an ATM was. The man stared back from his stupor and finally said "what?" We left the guy and hit another bar, and were now totally broke, and on the other side of town. Mike sees a guy on the comer, and again inquires about the nearest ATM. We then realize by the blank stare that it was the same guy! We eventually found an ATM, and kept the drunk as a souvenir. Eddie joined us and brought us to his favorite watering hole. This place was the best that Sante Fe had to offer. We met some ladies and a coke dealer named Carlos. Eddie was finally asked to leave, the women wanted us to meet them at a Reservoir the next day, and Carlos wanted us to try the snow in New Mexico-and this story doesn't end with women, cocaine or Mike bleeding. (unfortunately)

FLAGSTAFF ARIZONA
Mike: It's the end of the night and we're both trashed, and hanging out in a parking lot with 2 guitar playing women; the band from the last bar we were at.

Shag: Mike for unknown reasons begins barking angrily at a slowly passing vehicle. As the car speeds up he chases it down Main Street, still barking madly. He returned about 20 minutes later, still barking at a car but coming from a completely different street.

What They Both saw: The bartender from the Brew-Pub at the beginning of the night pulls up, remembers us and says "Hi fellas." The women jump in his car saying "our rides here" and drive away.

Mike: Well we were on our way back to our hostel, obviously annoyed and then I saw his beautiful antique train locomotive and said "I gotta ring the bell."

Shag: Through the noise of the clanging bell and another train passing closely, I tried to warm Mike that the cops were coming. He didn't appear to hear me as my pleas for "run the cops!!" were met with waving and more energetic bell ringing.

Mike: Shag leaves me as the police pull up (what a pal) I scale the fence onto the roof and elude capture. However, my cognitive processes not working as efficiently as they should, I climbed the fence and went back to the train to ring that bell again! This time, although I escaped from the police I chose to go under the fence. A bad tactical decision, because I was then hopelessly lost and wandered out to sleep in the desert.

Shag: 7am. He couldn't be lost I said to myself - The train he climbed was next door to the Hostel. I was sure I'd be bailing Mike out of jail, when he came back stumbling, bleeding (1/2 pint), and babbling; clothing ripped to shreds.

N.D.E. - Near Death Experience

Rattlesnake - Shag bubbled out of the car one morning to film the pathetic way we looked in the desert. Stumpling backwards, with camcorder in hand he practically steps on a very large rattlesnake.

Nebraska - The northern detour you see to South Dakota was not planned. When all of a sudden the radio was interrupted by the Emergency Broadcast System we found ou that there was a 21 county tornado watch, and we were somewhere in the middle of them. With tonrado's closing in and Iron Maidens "Run to the Hills" blasting, the duo drove 110 miles north to Winner, S.D. at warp speed and had a beer. Shag at the wheel no less.

All seemed to realize early on that this wedding was Dave's; therefore all involved should behave accordingly. Thus, the formal and solemn ceremony started off, not so formally and not at all solemnly.

The first evidence of this was during the seating of the guests, Robert and Dave Pa hid under an archway and made faces at the ushers and guests entering on the groom's side. Not to be out done, the priest to every one's surprise starts cracking jokes left and right during his sermon. Dave does his famous "Dave Pa shuffle" after lighting the ceremonial wedding candle, and as the happy couple (Kathy in tears) were announced as man and wife, the entire wedding party jumps up and does "the wave."

At the reception Dave's father George Pa, (pictured on right) got the gold medal for moshing/keg surfing/falling on his ass, (which was really closer to football tackling, and resulted in several guests careening precariously into the tables and causing general chaos.)

Robert KRAS-SUCKY scored some laughs, when during his best man speech he called Cameron up to the mic, and made the point that Dave's title of "Dave Pa" was now official.

Meanwhile as Shag's infamous hat made the rounds, it was kidnapped, and almost whisked off to Boston where the plan was to hold the hat hostage, and mail Shag threatening and insulting ransom notes; but ultimately it was returned, and ended up in the center of a Mexican Shag dance, an event quickly becoming a Havoc wedding tradition. However, this was the first time in the editors recollection that the hat was actually replaced by Shag himself, as he was brutally thrown to the floor and danced around, then spun around nauseatingly, to the delight of drunken friends and relatives.

Other highlights included: Kathy making a small fortune with the Dollar-Shot-&-Dance-With the-Bride. Also, the Alabama Whiskey Song dance, which was an especially sorry sight by the time it was performed. Then there was Phil, who spent the majority of the night wearing the hairy Gilligan Island hat, and who later indiscriminately head-butted guests of all types and sizes, while wearing his tie around his head ala Karate Kid. Even worse was, the DJ., Mark the Shark who tried to drink a flaming shot in a plastic shot glass, which melted down his arm before it hit his mouth. Finally, Paula and Donna, together mooned Grandpa Taylor.

After Hours in Williamsport: (Very hazy to most involved) First, Mike is the big loser in the game of "let's buy Mike a shot" played at Legends. Onward to the Action Lounge, where in spite of it's name, had no action, or anything else interesting happening to write about. Next came the Old Corner, where things officially became our brand of "ugly." Piecing it together from everyone's account we think we have the order of events completely screwed-up or exactly right, it could be either way. First Weasel (of course) was ejected for reasons unknown, even to himself, other than complaining to his friends about being cut off; Mike and Shag not to be outdone rush to his aid; Shag, donning his 'Perry Mason" hat demands to know the charges, and threatens a law-suit, chiming in with something along the lines of "Hi, what's all of this then?!" Mike chooses the strategy of insulting the bouncer, and gets ejected himself. Next, Shag is ejected, for throwing himself between the bouncer and his hapless client, Weasel, who had taken up the cause of the lawsuit (lecturing the bouncer about modern-day legal realities, as in "the person with the most expensive lawyer wins.") Before exiting, Mike creates a diversion by rushing back into the bar on a drunken rampage, giving Weasel enough time to slip back in to sneak down another brew in the courtyard. Mike paid dearly for his act of defiance however, as the psychotic bouncer grabbed him by the neck and threw him onto the bar, (just like in the movies!) Mike was then violently hurled out into the street. (blood donation 1 pint) The bouncer, with veins angrily bulging out of his forehead, turned his attention to Weasel; upon seeing him exclaims: "I'M GONNA RIP YOUR HEAD OFF YOU LITTLE TROLL." Weasel in the proudest, tradition of past gun slingers, reaches down and whips out his Pez dispenser, holds it out defiantly and says: "Pez?" Not surprisingly the offer was declined; ejection soon followed, with Shag repeating "hey, there's no need for that kind of violence!" Mike on the other hand, still bleeding jumps over a large cement planter and back through a break in the fence. (Seek help Mike) Outside, the Havocers milling around on the street hear the bouncer scream "You must be the stupidest person on earth!!" (this coming from a meat-headed bouncer) A hidden gate was then opened and everyone on the street saw a replay of Mike being hurled curb-ward. (an all together different night of hurling for Mike). At this point, Shag's protests were strangely absent.

Meanwhile, Frank and Robert are still inside quietly trying to finish their beers, when the bouncer demands "ARE YOU TWO WITH THEM!?" Frank and Robert with great devotion to their full pints emphatically deny knowing the troublemakers, The jig, however, oh faithful reader, was up only moments later, when from the street Dave Pa points them out to the bouncer saying "those two they're with us." Out the door they went and mayhem ensued on the street, only to be resolved by Mike yelling back at the bouncer "see what you have reduced us to: were going to the gay bar!," a remark that some actually laughed at. No show tunes sung this time at Peaches-N-Court, but Mike did try to start an "Old Corner Sucks" chant, with mixed results. Timmo later gets the bonehead award for knocking on the wedding couples suite and asking if they had anything in their room that could heat up a tray of Swedish meatballs.

10. Let me in, my beer is getting warm.
9. I'm not like I was in college, I've grown spiritually.
8. It'll just be one night I promise.
7. Remember homecoming '86... at that bar... when you said I had to come down sometime.
6. But I haven't dated you yet?!
5. Please... even Candace threw me out.
4. Can I just use your bathroom, for a month or so.
3. No, you weren't expecting me, but I left a message last night on your ex-roomates-bosses voice mail.
2. It's me or Shag.
1. But we really need to work on the newsletter!