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Editor's Note:
Special 3-D issue. Find and color in the pink elephant for additional cash prizes.

Dave Pa To Be Married!
Names Jethro As Best Reptile - film at 11

The Pre-Ramble to the Constipation

Pee The Weople... in order to phlegm a more fahrfignewton... and we mean every word! We started this improper-ganda one solar year ago last Thursday (daylight savings). So it's time to cross our eyes and dot our t's. The point being (if there is one), the word "Havoc," which Webster describes as "a point of high chaos" is translated roughly into Havocian lore to mean "a house which fits Webster's description nicely."

This house housed Howsten. Spelled with a W as not to confuse U. Legend has it that Fred, Shag, Mike and Dave Pa combed the hallowed halls of the Havoc house. (Obvious joke pertaining to "combed" omitted for space's sake.) That's not to say they started things, more accurately they ended things, broke things, etc.

One, however, must keep in mind that they were fledglings of an even greater band of weirdos, goofballs and Mormans. These dating back to the 17th century Malumbo Indians, who upon gazing over the land which would come to be known as Thunder Alley, exclaimed, "Mahyhe nen kenucht!" Translated, "What a silly place to build a teepee!" Which, ironically, the Havoc house would forever run out of during parties...

Thursdays would never be the same again.

Short & Stupid

• DavePa marrying Cathy B... Date set for August 18th... Dave quoted as finally tying the knot due to his ever-ticking biological clock.
• Eric P. moves into Sean & Kristy's apartment building... Property value plummeting.
• Cheri drives off the road on the way home from a night of debauchery (debauCheri?) destroying her two front tires... She's very confused because she distinctly remembers putting on cruise control before nodding off... She drives home with back tires.
• Bad news for Missy M. -- She totalled her car in front of Alpha Sigma Phi & banged herself up a bit... The good news is that she started dating the X-Ray technician.
• Mike Z. leaves Quincy's pub in Paramus (peacefully) and is accosted by police after successfully jumping & mugging a plastic "no left turn" sign... After the interrogation (which consisted of Sir Lawrence Olivier drilling into healthy teeth), Mike was sent on his way provided he "go the hell back" from whence he came... Mike of course unsure of his place of origin wanders across the street and into a Ramada Inn... Once there he ends up in the swimming pool area passed out under a deck table... He awoke sometime later to find the night staff had locked him in... Some say he's still there, others wish it. (Not that short, but pretty stupid nonetheless)
• Shag tries to raise $$ for his bus ticket from Chicago to Homecoming by donating plasma... Reason he never made it: They wanted human blood. ("Hee, hee, hee..." --Renfield upon eating a bug)
• Nick M. jumps into his car to go to work... He forgets his glasses, so goes back in the house... When he returns, he finds his car is gone! After he took it out of park, the car made its way down the driveway across the street and into his neighbor's $1500 landscape brick column... Nick himself (luckily) avoided injury.
• Mike Z. is moving in with his therapist... Mike eating her houseplants while Ringo has been concentrating on her dry arrangements... Place all bets with Frank T. on how many days before the two are ousted.

No Coke-a, Havoc 1

The once-humble dean Coke is now the V.P. of LHU -- Uhggg!2 A V.P. official of the SCC (not to be confused with an official LP of CCR) spoke with one of our editors over homecoming. Well, the rank of Politician X is not really remembered, but suffice it to say a high (& drunk) ranking SCC official. This poor soul mentioned the "H" word in the good ex-dean's presence, which sparked a 20-minute lecture about how the house was "a cesspool" and the crowd a bunch of "filthy degenerates." The editors thought long and hard for a retort to these allegations, and our final reply to dean Coke is............. and?!

One must keep in mind that this is the woman who ended tailgate parties at the university, forcing people to actually watch the football games! She's also the woman who stated, "It could lead to dancing," in that Cinnaburst commercial.

We should rum Coke out of town with a lime wedge.3 Frabish!!4 (The editors don't know what that last sentence means either, so don't feel bad.)
1 Obscure SNL reference 2 Charlie Brown 3 Captain Morgan 4 Gabby Johnson of Rock Ridge

Lisa & Bob enter Wedded Bliss!!
Lori, Dougie, Jerry M., Missy, Jester, Robert, Cathy & DavePa

The Wedding went off without a hitch (Ba dum bum). The late show was a usual hosted by David LetterPa. His guests: Cathy, Mike, Robert and the DUI Late Night Orchestra. The police check point on the way up was only part of the problem. Dave starts off the festivities by urinating on the end of his tie in the john.

Lori and Dougie's rendition of YMCA brought a tear to the eye, or maybe it was the song. Lori accented the last letter with a twisted ankle, which confused all since Dougie's supposed to have the accent.

During the course of the reception the bride made the transition from Shannon Dougherty to Jeff Spicoli. By the end carrying around a bottle of the bubbly, smoking a stogie and annoying the young and old alike. Quote of the night from Lisa: "I'm not consumating the marriage tonight; There's beer to drink."

At both bars on the Sullivan County bar crawl Mike knew someone. Look out DavePa!

Lori and Dougie return to their car to find it inhabited by some bouncing formal attire . They would like to add they still have some articles of formal attire as a momento. The lesson here is keep your car doors locked after weddings! (Robert, you may want to keep yours open.)

At the bars Dougie explains to everyone a Scottish cheer "Ben Gazzara" (or something like that) which is Celtic for "A thousand welcomes!" Mildridinans apparantly unaware of this tidbit of Scottish culture as Mike met with some strange looks as he shouted the new social across the bar. Mike is of course accustomed to strange looks. In the wee hours Mike and Dave barhop, leaving Cathy and Robert passed out in the car.

Top Ten Reasons Why You Should Have Avoided the End of the Year Party

10. Your name could end up in the newsletter.
9. Vomit eats through canvas.
8. Vomit eats through Candace.
7. Resistance is futile! You will be absorbed.
6. DavePa's beer pancakes on Sunday
5. 7 kegs of warm Peils (kidding)
4. These guys in the picture
3. Joe Walsh still booked.
2. Naked bunji chugging (video taped)
1. Your mother wouldn't approve.

Boo-fuckin'-hoo... 6
Just as Tim Burton eventually left the Batman movies, so now is it my time to ramble on from the Havokian. I'm proud to have had a hand in shaping the look of this fine publication, however I just feel terrible hording (horta-ing?) all the late-nite production fun. But don't despair -- the Havokian will go on! I'm certain that Sean will be more than happy to take the reigns and steer us into a brave new (and on-time) future. And who knows? Maybe I'll just stick my 2¢ worth in every now and then... It's been a blast! Love & kisses... -- Frank PS: Keep in touch, you bastids!
6 Johnny Rotten

Now, from the "Some of Our Friends are Literate" department, this issue's featured submission comes from Sedwick...
News From Abroad!!!

Okay, so I'm not a broad, but I do have the hair for it!!! Okay, so I'm not abroad either but I am far enough away from you people that you won't just come visit me on a whim. So I have decided to put this little tid-bit in the newsletter to convince some of you more daring folks to take that long haul here. (Here is where I break into song...) "Baby, if you ever wondered....wondered what ever became of me....I'm livin' on the air in Cincinnati...Cincinnati WKRP" Yes that's right folks, Zinzinnati, O-hi-o. Graduate school is Hell!! These people just can't drink!!! Here is a small and by no means complete list of reasons why you should come visit me here in the mid-west.

10) Germans!!! In droves!! (They are the ones too drunk to go to grad school.)
9) More college women to turn down Mike's marriage proposals.
8) You can see a much cleaner river than the Susquehanna or the Schukill.
7) The Oldenburg Beer museum. (Home of the largest beer paraphernalia collection.)
6) The largest Oktoberfest in the nation!!! (Held in September for some strange reason.)
5) Participate in the World's Largest Chicken Dance!!! (Held during Septemberfest.)
4) Shag is only 4 hours away. (Also one of the top ten reasons NOT to visit me!)
3) Kentucky is just over the river: Come see how inbreeding is supposed to be done.
2) Sure beats Dubuque, Iowa.
1) Dave-Pa won't know anyone, I swear!!! (Guarantee subject to some terms and limitations.)

Bermuda vs. The Griswalds (alias) *** 1/2

The Grotta Bay resort package insisted on jackets and ties during dinner. No problem for Mike Z. Griswald as he only forgot his dress shoes. By the end of the week, all knew him as "da man in da sharp suit and Rebox." Mike learns an important lesson at sea: Coral is sharp, and he is often not. A freak snorkling accident involving a stick sends him to tetanus shot land. Luckily he's set for another 10 years now, provided he stay away from Turkish women and those little Italian pastries that look like eggrolls.

The big one Elizabeth5 barcrawlongically (just try saying that!) speaking started Friday 1 PM at the Royal Naval Dockyards Frog & Onion Pub. Leave it to the Brits to have more names for their bar than draft beers. At an Irish pub, Mike fakes a rugby team's alma mater. No punches thrown. At Oscar's Rooftop Bar (which oddly enough has no rooftop bar and is run by a guy named Irving), Mike became increasingly convinced that the owner and head proprieter Oscar (well Irving) was the head vampire from "The Lost Boys," and over the course of several hours made him very aware of that fact.

After Hours with Mike & Donna: Somehow the duo hooked up with a crowd going to the Ambassador, the only place that stays open until dawn, with the possible exception of that seafood place on Front Street: All the coral you can eat for $5.95. They also have a mean sand dollar bisque, if you don't mind carrying your teeth in a jelly jar for the remainder of your vacation.

Upon arriving at the Ambassador the two were convinced it was invite only by the "Get the hell outta here, tourists" attitudes. Despite that, Mike falls in love with an older Phillapino woman and they spend the night singing "Moon River" and "Moonlight Bay." Donna who had danced for the majority of the 16 hour bar crawl was still going strong. A Ringo Starr look-alike came into the picture so "Moon River" gave way to "Yellow Submarine" which gave way to a yellow taxi which dropped them off at their resort with 3 Bermuda quarters to spare (just enough for the sand dollars bisque). They started out with enough $$ to buy a nice VCR. Siskel & Ebert say "Thumbs up," a night to remember, if only they could.
5 Redd Foxx

Everyone's talking about all the great stuff on the Internet. Well, here's something that's actually useful: Occasionally in life, it's handy to be able to get out of awkward social situations. In such events, it behooves you to know these...

More Than Fifty Ways To Get Rid Of Blind Dates (and other social catastrophes)
1. At dinner, guard your plate with fork and steak knife, so as to give the impression that you'll stab anyone, including the waiter, who reaches for it.
2. Collect the salt shakers from all of the tables in the restaurant, and balance them in a tower on your table.
3. Wipe your nose on your date's sleeve. Twice.
4. Make funny faces at other patrons, then sneer at their reactions.
5. Repeat every third third word you say say.
6. Give your claim to fame as being voted "Most Festerous" for your high school yearbook.
7. Read a newspaper or book during the meal. Ignore your date.
8. Stare at your date's neck, and grind your teeth audibly.
9. Twitch spastically. If asked about it, pretend you don't know what they are talking about.
10. Stand up every five minutes, circle your table with your arms outstretched, and make airplane sounds.
11. Order a bucket of lard.
12. Ask for crayons to color the placemat. This works very well in fancier venues that use linen tablecloths.
13. Howl and whistle at womens' legs, especially if you are female.
14. Recite your dating history. Improvise. Include pets.
15. Pull out a harmonica and play blues songs when your date begins talking about themselves. (Mike...!)
16. Sacrifice french fries to the great deity, Pomme.
17. When ordering, inquire whether the restaurant has any live food.
18. Without asking, eat off your date's plate. Eat more from their plate than they do.
19. Drool.
20. Chew with your mouth open, talk with your mouth full and spray crumbs.
21. Eat everything on your plate within 30 seconds of it being placed in front of you.
22. Excuse yourself to use the restroom. Go back to the head waiter/hostess and ask for another table in a different part of the restaurant. Order another meal. When your date finally finds you, ask him/her "What in the hell took you so long in the restroom?!?"
23. Recite graphic limericks to the people at the table next to you.
24. Ask the people at the neighboring table for food from their plates.
25. Beg your date to tattoo your name on their derriere. Keep bringing the subject up.
If we get enough positive feedback, we'll print the rest of this silliness. (And if not, we'll probably print it anyways...!)

Crusty-aceans at DavePa's or Lobster-fest at Low Tide
Shay, Shag, DavePa, Cathy, Mike, Robert, Eric P. (and a sick Cheri) *** 1/2
If any of you ever wondered how long it takes a lobster in a potato chip bag under a car seat to start smelling, you should seek professional help. Mike found out it's 6 days, provided it's, for the most part, winter out. DavePa has a post X-Mas party and Shag brings a live lobster to the event. "Simon" as he was affectionately named, was spared the pot provided he jump out of cupboards, scare the children and do most of the dishes. All things considered we should have ate him.

Robert arrives very late and is only somewhat surprised to find a live lobster in the toilet. The bar crawl which ensued led to Montoursville. The bouncers at the first bar had no sense of humor, or at least according to Mike who takes credit for the ejection. Shag cut off for good measure only seconds after the first assault. It seems that the night is looking up when two ladies deign to dance, but that bubble is quickly burst when Cathy later overhears them in the ladies room remarking "I can't believe we were dancing with those maggots." The dejected group then heads to Williamsport, where the night lost focus... We're almost positive we went to Dennys.

The next AM before the "Voyage Home," the movie "Grumpy Old Men" is viewed which inspires DavePa to send the now-deceased Simon back to Jersey with Mike. He reasons that if it starts to smell there, who'll notice. Six days later, during the first spell of 60 degree weather in ages, Mike is driving a co-worker half-way across the state. It is at this point that Simon makes his presence known; Mike has since vowed vengeance, having been aptly quoted: "Lobster is a dish best served cold!"

Mike & Shay Day or Brooklyn-Bound
Shay, spending time at Columbia U. this past summer, invited Mike over for a day. Mike finds great amusement in walking through campus introducing himself as Harvey Fishbine, Freshman. Mike needs to get out more.

Shay then drags Mike to some bars in Alphabet City, one of the most dangerous areas in Manhattan. Well, the beer's cheap anyway. The Ace Bar, proudly displaying a huge lunch pail collection, sent Shay into trippy flashbacks when she recognized her Sigmund and the Seamonsters pail. In between Sophie's and the Ace, Mike finds a polka dot tie which smells suspiciously of Chinese food. Sporting his new tie, the two head to a party in Brooklyn where Mike's pretty sure he knows someone.

Once there Shay gets into a conversation with a far-too-serious art’ste who removes staples from magazines to "comment on the dichotomy of contrasting images." Mike becomes increasingly-annoyed with the neo-Freudian pseudo-intellectuals, and decides to annoy as many as he can. He was very successful during his not-so-well received survey on who could smell the lo mein on his tie. And he actually started doing well on the dance floor as the crowd finally loosened their pocket protectors. Then came the bombshell from the hostess Mike was dancing with: "Didn't you know we're lesbians?" Mike in his ultimate wisdom begs the question, "Lesbians, or lesbian lesbians?" This justifiably was not dignified with an answer.

Shay enjoyed herself while Mike became increasingly agitated, not understanding any of the conversations and wishing for the first time in his life that he'd actually studied. (brrrr!) Overwhelmed and disgusted, he finally yells "I love Rush Limbaugh!" to the painfully liberal crowd, running off into the night.

Frank's Star Trek BBQ/Near Death Experience
or Don't Piss Off Long Island Pagans
Weasel, Robert, Sean & Kristy, Frank's folks, Donna, Mike, DavePa & Cathy, Eric, a cast of thousands and oh yeah, Frank **
The following scene is dripping with dramatic tension and is not recommended for the faint of heart...
"You're lucky I don't kill you right here," the drunken Pagan sneered as he ripped the film from Sean's camera like so much crepe paper. All heads at the bar turned towards the scene in progress just a few feet away. In semi-shock, Sean's hands grasped at the empty space where his camera had resided just moments before.

As rage and self-preservation danced the cha-cha in his stomach, Sean wondered how it was that he now found himself facing grim death on Long Island. But wait! He was not alone -- He knew he could rely on the staunch support of those he had come to know as comrades, drinking buddies, friends, even family (not a Norman Rockwell-type of family, mind you; more like a Simpsons-on-acid nightmare...). Yes, in the eyes of each of these friends he saw the same, heart-warming, affirming message: "You're on your own, buddy."

Perhaps something should have clicked when the gang was told by the bartender, "Don't bring those pool sticks into the bar area or you'll be beaten with them." However, instead of heeding such an obvious sign, it was just chalked up to the burly barkeep having a healthy sense of humor. Then the Pagan -- fearing The Law would be able to track him down from our ace photographer's party snapshots -- slammed through us like a bag of bad White Castle burgers (are there any other kind?).

But now was no time for cheesy flashbacks -- it was time for action, and act they did: Exit stage left! (Waiting only a few seconds for Sean to use the crumpled $5 bill our strangely honor-bound Pagan friend tossed at him to buy a shot to soothe his jangled nerves)

Whipped into a frenzy by the paranoid ravings of Donna, every necessary precaution was taken to avoid a gang of vengeful brother Pagans, from taking a circuitous route back to Frank's to attacking a rather suspicious van cruising the neighborhood (thinking it housed a band of beligerent Pagans). Unfortunately, the paperboy who was making his early morning rounds failed to see the humor in our misunderstanding. Law suits are pending.

PS: We drank all day, saw Star Trek VII trashed and actually got the BBQ to work this time.